Tag Archives: bob and the cyber llama

One-Star Google Reviews of Famous Landmarks

While perusing the Internet in-between games of Foosball with my super-intelligent chinchilla, I’ve developed a great new hobby. As you probably know, looking up a business like a restaurant, movie theater, etc. on Google Maps will show you reviews left by users. If you look up a famous landmark, like the Pyramids of Giza or the Great Wall of China, you’ll find thousands of glowing, five-star reviews, but also a few one-star reviews that make your head spin. I thought I’d share a few of them here:

Great Pyramid of Giza

This place is so old and dusty. Looks like it’s been there forever no one updates the architecture or interior design. How about a fresh coat of paint once in a while? What could that cost? Local signage was hopeless – what’s with all the squiggles and dots?

From UNITED INDIANS!:

It is just a burial ground. Indian ancient architecture  are older,bigger and artistic than these.

Why couldn’t they be circles because triangles are boring.

The food wasn’t that good. It was really dry and hot.

Very un  organized , nobody tries to give u clues where to go it’s as if they picked the worst men / police men to do the job  , parking is terrible , went up the great pyramid, no aeration , same way in is same way out which makes it so risky to get in or out .no road signs to guide u to the places. Will never go there  again

I was invited to pizza but they said they said Pyramid of Giza, I heard P—-iza! Scam

Pyramid of Khafre

Sphinx had no nose, very major detail. Don’t expect building a world wonder and leaving such a important detail out. Wow egyptians just wow

Wow this is grabage i almost fell off

I cam to see the largest pyramid not the second tallest pyramid

Fell off the pyramid wasn’t a H1Z1 experience as there were no zombies to @ me so yeh but is cool

Pyramid of Menkaure

This puny embarrassment of a pyramid puts its two neighbors to complete shame. What, did they run out of stone? Did they get tired?

The scar on its face is from the early 13th century when the Ayyub dynasty tried to tear it down. I say we finish the job.

The workmanship is quite shoddy, the plumbing sucks….looks like it could fall at any time…… they didn’t even install handrails or economic lighting.

I thought id get free electricity with my tesla coil. Guess it’s out of juice

Eiffel Tower

It was very cool to see the White House! It’s nice seeing where the President lives. I recommend visiting the important building. (Please note that we did not actually enter the White House’s interior, we only saw the outside.). A must see when you visit DC! I was overwhelmed with how incredible and noteworthy this place is! We also got to see the president fly over which was pretty cool!

Great Wall of China

I wanted to see what was so interesting about this area. I’ve heard a lot about it, but when I went there was a wall in the way. It was kinda ugly actually, but it blocked me from seeing why everyone talks about this area. Not enjoyable.

 

couldn’t see it from space i was lied to.

 

They are a chinese restaurant. Placed 2 separate orders through Grub Hub and for no explanation…cancelled by Grub Hub. Still in business???

to say the least.. i am gutted. this “Wall” is merely a fence, i have seen better walls on the US/Mexican border. 2 stars purely for the fact that i am a wall collector.

the wall is going to collapse under my immense muscle as i stroll across its rocky steps but first ill have to build it because it isn’t real

Ya’ll got it wrong. My grandma built this when she was able to say H~A~M~B~U~R~G~E~R

Taj Mahal

This place is situated at Agra city of Indian state Uttar Pradesh. This place is a major tourist attraction not only for Indians but for foreigners also. This place is having some greenery also which makes it more important as natural perspective. This is a historical place. There are many places to see inside the premises.

Monument is incredible but the services at the monument is pathetic. I stood for 3 hours in line. Internet was banned there and debit cards were not working.

I’ll let you know if I find any more of these review gems. Cheers!

Second Interview with Chat and Spin Radio

I’ve participated in another interview with Chat and Spin Radio! While you’re cooped up inside, you can listen to it here (my interview begins at around 26 minutes into the recording.) Also, if you can manage it, please donate to Chat and Spin via Paypal:

Upcoming Interview on Chat and Spin Radio

I’ll be participating in an interview on the UK-based Chat and Spin Radio on Saturday, November 2! The interview will be at 12:10pm Mountain time.

https://chatandspinradio.com/

Click on “listen live” to hear the station!

The Fast Food Hierarchy


https://www.thedailymeal.com/healthy-eating/15-fast-food-entrees-least-cholesterol

As a faithful keeper of fast food lore, I have plumbed the depths of the Greasy Fryer many a time, sampling all that the gods of the French and the fried have to offer. I have sampled countless burgers, innumerable nuggets, and fields of fries that boggle the human imagination. And as much as I’d like to believe there are few social barriers among the foodstuffs, I’ve come to realize this:

There is a Fast Food Hierarchy.

If you follow the ways of fast food long enough, you soon realize that not all buns aren’t created equal. Some fast food establishments are simply far better than their brethren, but how should one decide them?

Fortunately for posterity, I’ve developed a ranking system.

The Fast Food Hierarchy is made up of four holy artifacts, which guide the fast food denizen to make a decision as to which establishment deserves their allegiance: the Scales of Price and Food Quality, the Blade on Uniqueness, the Goblet of Variety, and the Parchment of the Value Menu.

 

The Scales of Price and Quality

Many judge fast food establishments based on the quality of their food alone. But this is for the unenlightened. You shouldn’t just like the food at a fast food establishment; you should get what you pay for.

If you’re eating fast food, chances are you’re trying to save money. A restaurant with cheap food that’s okay should rank higher in the hierarchy than one with good food that’s overpriced. I don’t mind paying more money for certain types of fast food, but it’d better taste good.

 

The Blade of Uniqueness

Like a sword slicing through an enemy force, the Blade of Uniqueness helps a fast food establishment slash through mediocrity by making it stand out. If a fast food restaurant wants to capture your attention, it should wow you with a creation you can only purchase at that restaurant, like the Big Mac or Chick Fil-A chicken sandwich.

If a fast food restaurant gives me something truly unique, it makes sure I won’t forget the place and will make a pilgrimage to its plastic chairs again someday.

 

The Goblet of Variety

A restaurant that just serves burgers will bore its patrons quickly. Sure, most fast food restaurants include other menu items like chicken nuggets and fish sandwiches, but if an establishment wants to establish its place in the Hierarchy, it should have multiple types of burgers, different ways of serving chicken, and if possible, animals on the menu with eight or more legs.

 

The Parchment of the Value Menu

This sacred text has been passed down from generation to generation of the fast food faithful. It makes fast food available to all, not just the wealthy or fortunate.

But just having a value menu isn’t enough. Some fast food establishments (I’m looking at you, Burger King) fill the value menu with the items that no one ever wants to order. This is an insult to the value and should be punished through demotion in the Fast Food Hierarchy.

 

Now that we’ve defined the parameters, how do some of the more famous fast food establishments measure up? Let’s give each fast food restaurant a ranking of 1-6 in each category and tally up the final score to see which restaurants are truly a light in the darkness.

 

And just so you’re aware, I did not submit to personal bias in this ranking. It was agony for me to avoid putting Chick Fil-A at the top.

McDonalds
Scales of Price and Quality 6
Blade of Uniqueness 4
Goblet of Variety 3
Parchment of the Value Menu 5
Total 18
McDonalds may not have the highest-quality food, but it’s cheap, meaning you get what you pay for. It also has a lot of unique menu items like the Big Mac and McRib (when it’s around) and has one of the best value menus in fast food. The only place where McDonalds comes up short is in the variety area: they have a lot of burgers, but only the basics in chicken sandwiches, fish, salads, and other items.

 

Burger King
Scales of Price and Quality 2
Blade of Uniqueness 2
Goblet of Variety 3
Parchment of the Value Menu 1
Total 8
Burger King’s business model of being nothing more than an alternative to McDonalds doesn’t help its ranking in the hierarchy. The main problem with Burger King is that their burgers pale in comparison with similar burgers, like the Wendy’s Double or Carl’s Jr. Famous Star, but aren’t any cheaper. Also, their value menu is a disgrace. If not for the chicken fries, there would be no reason to visit a Burger King at all.

 

Wendy’s
Scales of Price and Quality 4
Blade of Uniqueness 3
Goblet of Variety 5
Parchment of the Value Menu 5
Total 17
Dollar for dollar, Wendy’s tends to be the priciest of the fast food establishments. But it’s well worth it. They’re always coming out with something new to try, from a bacon and mushroom burger to ghost pepper fries to a ranch chicken sandwich. Or, if you’re looking for a deal, you can grab a 4 for $4 meal.

 

Chick Fil-A
Scales of Price and Quality 5
Blade of Uniqueness 6
Goblet of Variety 3
Parchment of the Value Menu 4
Total 18
I’ll admit to a personal bias with Chick Fil-A. It’s freaking delicious. And the chicken sandwiches are truly unique, making Chick Fil-A’s price-to-quality ratio superb. Chick Fil-A doesn’t have a value menu per-se, but the kid’s menu offers some pretty good budget choices. The only place where Chick Fil-A falls short is in the variety aspect. It’s pretty much all chicken.

 

Taco Bell
Scales of Price and Quality 3
Blade of Uniqueness 4
Goblet of Variety 2
Parchment of the Value Menu 1
Total 10
Again, personal bias here. I get migraines when I eat the wrong types of food, and for me, Taco Bell is a one-way ticket on the migraine express. I have to admit, though, there’s not much like it, and the food is pretty much priced as it should be. Unfortunately, many of the menu items feel like the same ingredients simply repackaged in different ways, and a lot of the value menu items are downright disgusting.

 

Carl’s Jr./Hardees
Scales of Price and Quality 5
Blade of Uniqueness 5
Goblet of Variety 6
Parchment of the Value Menu 3
Total 19
In some places, it’s Carl’s Jr. In others, it’s Hardees. Either way, it’s delectable. I’m not sure if this is true in other areas, but the Carl’s Jr.s in Colorado actually serve Mexican food in addition to the traditional burgers and fries. And it’s better than anything you can get at Taco Bell.

 

Arby’s
Scales of Price and Quality 3
Blade of Uniqueness 5
Goblet of Variety 5
Parchment of the Value Menu 3
Total 16
I’m divided on Arby’s. On the one hand, their roast beef isn’t real high quality and looks like Jabba the Hutt’s back fat. On the other, they’ve got a lot of menu items, like the gyro, that make Arby’s a truly unique experience. They also bring the sauce, bigtime. Arby’s wide variety of sauce makes one appreciate life a little more.

 

Del Taco
Scales of Price and Quality 5
Blade of Uniqueness 4
Goblet of Variety 6
Parchment of the Value Menu 6
Total 21
Del Taco’s got it all: traditional tacos and burritos. Tasty chicken and ranch tacos and burritos. Rice and beans. French fries. Burgers. Steak and potato burritos. Churros. Milkshakes. And the list goes on! Add to that a stupendous value menu and you have a restaurant worth driving out of your way for.

 

So the Fast Food Hierarchy currently stands thusly:

Del Taco
Carl’s Jr./Hardees
Chick Fil-A (tie broken due to that yellow sauce)
McDonalds
Wendy’s
Arby’s
Taco Bell
Burger King

 

Do you agree with the hierarchy? Let me know if there are other denizens of the fast food world you’d like me to rank.

Website Changes 09/03/18

Greetings from my dark, secret, mystical, pizza-scented basement domain.

You may have noticed some pretty drastic changes to the website. The cartoon fish is gone, the site is no longer called Classysturgeon, the theme of the site and look of the site and smell of the site are all different. But despair not!

I’ll still be writing goofy posts and talking about my crazy adventure books. Check out the “blog” page for the Classysturgeon-style articles and posts.

I’ve just decided to change the site to emphasize my work as an author, hence the new site name, josephcaldaraauthor.com, and the snazzy, professional-looking headshot. Because of this, you’ll find links to the Bob and the Cyber-Llama series of adventure/comedy books on most of the site’s pages. Think of them like the engravings on the Arc de Triomphe. Only with more llamas.

Check out the “events” page for descriptions of upcoming readings and other events.

I’ve also changed the name of my Facebook account, Twitter account, and Instagram account, as well. Don’t worry, though, it’s still me.

So please join me as, like a digital Magellan, we continue to navigate our way through the seas of the Internet and search for the East Indies of an online community.

Author Reading Event at Sable Elementary

I’ll be holding an author reading event at Sable Elementary on Thursday, February 22!

From 12:00pm to 1:00pm, I’ll be visiting the fine folks at Sable Elementary in Aurora, Colorado, for an author visitation and reading event. During the event, I’ll be reading a short passage from Bob and the Cyber-Llama, as well as speaking about my writing experience and self-publishing. I’ll also be hosting a Q and A. All three books in the series will be available at the event.

This is a closed event, so only the Sable students will be privy to its glorious, meaty goings-on. However, if you’d like to schedule an event like this, let me know by emailing me at classysturgeon@gmail.com.

It’s thanks to your support that I’m able to hold events like this. Stay tuned for future updates. Excelsior!