Author Archives: classysturgeon

The Skittles Caste System

The first step toward healing is admitting that you have a problem. So here goes: I believe in the Skittles Caste System. I know all you enlightened, forward-thinking, pour-all-the-Skittles-in-your-mouth-at-the-same-time types must think me cruel and uncultured, but I can’t help it. When I open a bag of Skittles, my first reaction is to start judging each little piece of candy, solely by its color. It’s just how I think.

For many people, a bag of Skittles is a collection of delicious candies, which are all of equal value. For me, each bag contains an intricate caste system. Each little piece of candy has its own place in the Skittles social order.
The top caste includes the red and purple skittles. These are the lords of deliciousness whose sugary feet the other Skittles are not worthy to kiss. The Skittles of the top caste have the privilege eaten last, and I savor every moment they dance on my tongue.

The yellow and orange Skittles make up the middle caste. These are the backbone of Skittles society; without them, the Skittles of the top caste would be alone in the bag, having no inferior beings to compare themselves to. Essentially, the middle-caste Skittles are needed to round out the bag and cleanse the palate between the consumption of the lower-class Skittles and those of the upper-class.

Which brings us to the bottom caste, reserved for the shunned and reviled green Skittles. These little vermin are eaten first so as to get them out of the way. I used to think there was no place for green Skittles in polite society, and that they should be cast out like the dogs that they are.

My Skittles habits even compel me to separate my Skittles by color. After all, I can’t have one of the unclean green Skittles touching one of the superior red Skittles. Such an action would be vile and unacceptable. Instead, I separate my skittles into neat, little piles. Then and only then, when the Skittles are racially separated as they should be, are they ready for consumption.

My Skittles Caste System is shameful. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to understand and sympathize with the plight of the green Skittles. And I’ve actually found an organization prepared to help. So please, give generously to the Skittles Relief Fund. For just pennies a day, you can give a green Skittle an education, feed his family, and help him rise above the constraints of his sugary society.

Remember, it’s not easy being green.

The True Meaning Behind “Bob and the Cyber Llama”

Occasionally, one of the pages at josephcaldaraauthor.com receives a comment. Yes, I often inspire the masses to leave feedback in hopes of getting the feeling of elation that comes from being a small part of the gift to mankind that is my website. And though some of there are a bit…irregular…I’m convinced that each and every one of them provides valuable insight into the human condition.

One fine July morning, a gentleman by the name of Shoe Lifts for Men felt the need to reflect on Chapter 7 of Bob and the Cyber Llama. He said the following:

“Virtually all of what you mention happens to be supprisingly appropriate and that makes me ponder the reason why I had not looked at this in this light before. Your article truly did switch the light on for me personally as far as this specific topic goes. But at this time there is one particular position I am not necessarily too cozy with and while I try to reconcile that with the central theme of your position, allow me observe exactly what all the rest of your readers have to say.Very well done.”

Now some would be inclined to write this comment off as spam (especially since it was picked up by the spam filter,) but I dare not. This man clearly has excellent taste in literature and has been deeply touched by the “central theme” of Bob and the Cyber Llama. Whatever that is.

I’m not sure how a story about an amateur treasure hunter and his gentlemanly, cybernetic llama butler could personally “switch the light on” for someone, but perhaps this man has seen something that even I, the author, have overlooked. Clearly, Bob and the Cyber Llama has a poignant message beneath its weird exterior and to find it, I just have to dig deeper. I have three theories:

1. Bob and the Cyber Llama is a metaphor for the downfall of the Soviet Union and the troubling similarities between the Putin regime and the old totalitarian state. In the story’s beginning, Bob is “rescued” from his mundane job at Porkburger (an obvious metaphor for Stalinist statism) by Jeeves, who represents the Gorbachev regime and its quasi-capitalistic ideas. Bob travels to Egypt and enters the pyramid, symbolizing the Berlin Wall, only to be met by the pharaoh (Putin) and his army. Bob’s visit is peaceful at first, but soon turns violent as the pyramid’s inhabitants attempt to impose their will on Bob and Jeeves. Though Bob has escaped Porkburger, he will never truly be free from the greasy grip of authoritarianism.

2. Bob and Jeeves represent the dualistic states of order and entropy. Bob is an orderly, isolated system. Before Jeeves appears, he is able to focus intently on his grandmother’s mole and receive a package without incident. But when Jeeves (entropy) enters the equation, Bob’s world tends toward chaos. Jeeves constantly pushes Bob into risky, dangerous situations. The llama of chaos is determined to bring about thermodynamic equilibrium.

3. The fat, sweaty guy in Chapter 2 is Jesus. It’s there, you just have to look harder.

As you can see, Bob and the Cyber Llama is a work that truly encapsulates the nature of the human spirit. It’s almost as deep as “Go, Dog, Go,” but I don’t have time to get into that masterpiece here.